Marriage Advice: What to Throw Overboard When Your Marriage Is In Trouble

When your marriage is in trouble and you're fighting to keep it afloat, it's time to throw anything that isn't helping you overboard. You need all your wits about you to be able to handle the crisis and tackle the problems. Anything that's an impediment or hindrance has to go.

During this time of confusion and stress, you only have a limited amount of energy and time, and you have to put those resources where they count the most. You don't have time or energy to waste if you're going to be successful in saving your marriage.

What do you need to consider throwing overboard? The following eight recommendations can help you to decide what to let go:

1. Release your need to be "right." If you're intent on winning arguments or proving that your partner is wrong, you are hurting your chances of creating a win-win situation in your marriage for you and your spouse. Does it really matter in the long run who's "right" or "wrong"? Or is it more important to create a harmonious marriage where the opinions of both partners are respected?

2. Let go of worrying about what others think or say. No marriage is perfect, and if others find out or suspect that you're having problems, don't let that concern you. If they stay married long enough, they'll eventually encounter problems, also, if they haven't already. There's a wonderful saying that I find helpful, "What you think of me is none of my business."

3. Give up preconceived notions of how you should react in certain situations. Maybe you've always said that if your partner had an affair, you'd end the marriage. But each situation is different, and there's not an across-the-board answer that fits every case. You'll want to look carefully at your particular situation and the extenuating circumstances and then make a careful decision that's right for you.

4. Throw out your demands to be in control. Life has a way of effectively teaching that you can protest all you want, but many things are out of your control and always will be. You can't control what your spouse chooses to do or if others criticize your approach to saving your marriage. You can only control your own decisions and actions.

5. Toss out the temptation to tell others all of the juicy details of what's happening or how your spouse has "done you wrong." Be discrete in who you talk to and in what you say. Later, if you stay married, it may be difficult for family and friends to feel comfortable around the two of you if you've painted your partner as a "louse." You can let others know that you're going through a hard time and need their support without divulging every detail.

6. Release your need to handle everything on your own without outside help. It just makes good sense to use resources that are available, such as counseling. The objectivity and experience of a professional counselor can help you to explore your options and make a wise decision that's right for you and your marriage. And everything will be kept private and confidential.

7. Let go of trying to make everything okay for everyone else. It's not possible to please everyone, so that's a losing battle. You can't pretend you're happy in your marriage just so your parents don't get upset, and you can't pretend everything is okay just so you don't hurt your spouse. Sometimes the chips just have to fall where they fall and that's it. Everyone else has to cope with it and adjust.

8. Give up the need to have others agree with your decision. It's certainly easier when others agree, but it's not necessary. Just because your best friend urges you to divorce due to your spouse's affair, that doesn't mean that's necessarily the best decision for you. It's your life, and you have to live with the consequences of your decisions and actions, so be sure that whatever you choose to do is what you really want.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

GROOM SERVICE: The hardest part of getting married London Free Press, Canada - Aug 27, 2008 By DAN BROWN, ONLINE EDITOR Things are fine, even though the two of us still have some details to finalize. I have to call to make sure the wedding bands ...

Church puts vows at heart of new marriage prep ChristianToday, UK - Aug 28, 2008 by Jenna Lyle The Church of England’s is undertaking a major overhaul of the marriage preparation it offers to engaged couples in a bid to better reflect ...

The Associated Press

Now on the Hallmark aisle: Gay marriage cards The Associated Press - Aug 21, 2008 PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — Most states don't recognize gay marriage — but now Hallmark does. The nation's largest greeting card company is rolling out same-sex ...

You are invited to our Vegas wedding... Independent, UK - Aug 13, 2008 When Peaches Geldof decided to spring a surprise wedding on her family, there was only one place to go. So what are the odds on her marriage lasting? ...

Bgay.com

Hallmark Offers Gay Wedding Cards Bgay.com, FL - Aug 22, 2008 The wedding industry is big business in the United States and now greeting card giant Hallmark has begun creating and selling wedding cards for same-sex ...

What Happens In Vegas DVD Review NewsBlaze, CA - Aug 22, 2008 By Prairie Miller Romantic comedies are such a well worn endeavor that there's nothing much left to the imagination to explore, unless there's plenty of wit ...

2: "The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who gave a ... Catholic News Agency, CO - Aug 20, 2008 3: and sent his servants to call those who were invited to the marriage feast; but they would not come. 4: Again he sent other servants, saying, ...

Lincoln and Corina Seattle Post Intelligencer - Jul 31, 2008 So I was asked to by Lincoln and Corina to reflect at their wedding about their love and find a literary passage that i felt spoke to it as well. ...

Telegraph.co.uk

Why does Bob look so miserable? Could he be mourning daughter ... This is London, UK - Aug 15, 2008 You wouldn't think his 19-year-old daughter had just got married from the glum look on Sir Bob Geldof's face. The Boomtown Rats frontman looked crestfallen ... Peaches Geldof’s ex-boyfriend confused by her sudden marriage Fametastic all 664 news articles

Jay-Z explains why he & Beyoncé won't confirm their marriage Infos Jeunes France, France - Aug 8, 2008 Beyonce Knowles and Jay-Z went about their union in a pretty uncommon fashion, as far as celebrities go. While most do try to keep the affair a bit private ...