The 100 Laws

In any group of abused women there's almost always at least one who is extremely attractive; well groomed, well presented and the complete opposite of the kind of stereotypes that people normally harbour.

At one domestic violence workshop, I met a stunning young woman. Blond, slim, stylishly dressed and beautifully made up, she looked as if she divided her days between working out in the gym and nibbling delicately on a lettuce leaf (undressed, of course).

Her image could not have been more deceptive. In fact she had spent years cooking, cleaning and servicing 2 households; her husband's and her parents'. She was a true, 21st century Cinderella; a designer clad, trophy domestic drudge, a woman whose worth was defined by the amount of cleaning, ironing and fetching and carrying she did.

Somehow she had found the courage to leave her violent husband, but in the process she had acquired a new torment; she had been labelled 'a bad daughter'.

By leaving a situation that was hellish for her, she had inconvenienced and disappointed her abusive parents.

Now this young woman had spent most of her life falling over herself trying to please her parents. Needless to say, she had never quite succeeded. Her parents' approval was always held out just in front of her, just out of reach.

It's a particularly nasty technique that is typical of all abusive relationships: it's like the childish prank of tying a string around an object and then yanking it away, just as the person tries to grasp it. You can see it, you can tiptoe towards it all you like, but you're not going to get it.

And this is where the 100 Laws come in.

In an unconditional relationship you are loved for yourself. You may burn the dinner, scratch the car, put on weight, say something you may regret, but you remain lovable and loved. You are, quite simply, good enough.

In a conditional relationship, you learn the things that provoke the person whose love you crave. You become extraordinarily talented at keeping the 100 Laws of acceptable behaviour.

There is a law for every possible situation and you make it your business not to infringe any one of them. You expend enormous emotional energy picking your way through the 100 Laws as carefully as you would a minefield. You may even congratulate yourself, briefly, on how well you are doing. And then, BANG, Law 101 - the one nobody told you about.

The thing is, there always will be another law, because the underlying principle is that you are being set up to mess up. This justifies the lawmaker taking his fury out on you. (That's how the lawmaker gets to feel good about himself.)

In the fairy tale, everything turned out happily ever after for Cinderella - allegedly - when the Prince rescued her. (Either that or she didn't care to admit publicly that she was a sucker for Charming's delightful public face.)

In the case of our 21st century Cinderella, well, she's coming round to the idea that a Rescuer is only an abuser on a white horse. Things will turn out happily for her now she is starting to rescue herself.

She's learned that the best way of doing that is by replacing the 100 Laws with her own simplified Constitution, which reads: "I am good enough". Period.

(C) 2005 Annie Kaszina

Joyful Coaching

An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women heal the trauma of the past, so they can enjoy the present and look forward to the future.

Email:annie@joyfulcoaching.com To subscribe to Annie's twice monthly ezine, or order her eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be, go: to http://www.joyfulcoaching.com

Female guard accused of having sexual relationships with inmates New Richmond News, WI - 8 hours ago A female guard at a state minimum-security prison is on administrative leave, after two inmates said they had sexual relationships with her. ...

Best Syndication

Building a Downline with Relationships Best Syndication, CA - 1 hour ago It’s under the surface a relationship business. And by creating and maintaining a strong relationship with your downline, you can quickly achieve everything ...

Examiner.com

Relationships Examiner Examiner.com - 9 hours ago Her approach examines how relationships in work, home, and environment contribute to our well-being. The previous post is an example of the parent child ... Relationships Examiner Examiner.com all 2 news articles

Lasting relationships Jamaica Observer, Jamaica - 13 hours ago Maintaining lasting relationships requires constant building and nurturing. We must place high values on people, God does! Give others the benefit of ...

SMS snooping can doom relationships Times of India, India - Aug 28, 2008 It also revealed that 73% of these sneaky text checkers have found out things they later wished they hadn't, and 10% ended their relationship because of SMS ...

Relationships are truly a family affair Cape Breton Post, Canada - 5 hours ago It’s funny how our own relationships affect those around us. From friends to significant others, the company we choose plays a valuable role in the way we ...

Wall St woos Washington at Democratic convention Reuters - Aug 28, 2008 "It is an opportunity for them to build relationships, or just to confirm good relationships with members of Congress." Bankers, brokers and others in ...

The Frisky

What We Can Learn From Celebrity Relationships The Frisky, Georgia - 5 hours ago So maybe it’s time that—instead of begrudging our stars their super-sized salaries—we make them earn it, by learning from their high-profile relationship ...

The Ins And Outs Of Emma Watson's Relationships Corsavoo.com, France - 14 hours ago She has a great interest in everything and everyone around her and is constantly looking for people with whom she can establish deep inner relationships. ...

The Ins And Outs Of Usher Raymond's Relationships Corsavoo.com, France - 17 hours ago He enjoys talking about love, relationships, art and the beautiful side of life. Usher Raymond appreciates artistic people. Usher Raymond has a vivid ...